So often we get caught in situations that we look back on and wonder, "what in the world was I thinking!!" We let people into our mental space and give them access to control our thoughts and actions. And often don't realize it until it is too late. So who do we blame, them or ourselves?
I have realized that everyone has at least one Judas on each level that you are advanced to. I was elevated, by God, in the ministry that I serve in at church. Very excited about this promotion but I was not really prepared for the Judas' (yeah plural) that would be attached to it.
I had the opportunity to meet and journey with a great group of ladies. As you know, when you first meet people you have to feel them out before you begin to openly share yourself with them. So we are getting to know each other and breaking some ice along the way which is awesome. When I look back at this experience all I see is Jesus and the scene when Judas kisses him on the cheek. It seemed to happen to me just like that.
This woman was constantly telling me to my face that she loved me and was excited about our journey and looked forward to growing with me and the group. Yet, she was pulling me down and inflicting fear in me about what God was telling me to do with the group that He had put me in charge of. And she did it all in the name of Jesus! Because of her title, I allowed her to put me in bondage with ease.
When I tell you that I struggled for weeks with this issue. I questioned myself as a leader, I questioned God's decision to elevate me, I started doing "safe" things when God was clearly pushing me to do very radical unsafe unconventional things with this group. I was terrified and in serious doubt of all the plans God had given me.
You know how we do, well I do this, "did God say that or was that me telling me what I want to do?"
Well, sad to say, that I held up the progress and true growth of my group because of my doubt. I sat and allowed the Holy Spirit to really speak to me. He revealed so much!! Now it was time for me to make a decision. Was I going to do what "thus saith the Lord" or what was safe? Hmmmmm......
I did what thus saith the Lord! I called my team and I shared what God told me and informed them of what our next step would be and how we would move forward. Oh yeah, my actions affected my teaching team as they were following my lead. So we prayed and fasted and prepared to get back on track and move in the direction God had planned for us in the beginning.
Now I am of the belief that God knows all my moves before I make them. That He is never disappointed in me with anything that I do as He already knows how many times I will fall before I can get up and stay up. So I am aware that He already knew this would stump me, but only for a short time.
Well I stood before my group and with tears in my eyes, I apologized to them for not giving them all that God had given to me to share with them. For our team not being obedient to God, since our first meeting, and coming at them raw and hard as God had promised them He would do. What a freedom, what a blessing to my soul. The group received and appreciated my apology and honesty. Our group hasn't been the same since!! The ladies began to open up and share and release things and heal from past deep rooted hurts. True liberation for the entire group!!!
In my instance, I accept responsibility for allowing this person to hold my thoughts and actions in bondage. I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. I wasn't focused and paying attention like I should have. Because of their title, I trusted their words before seeing their actions to back them and give them truth and substance. But this hurt was necessary for my growth.
Because she played her role of "Judas" in my life, it forced me to seek God more, pray more and release my obedience and submit to God's authority like never before. Know that your Judas is there on purpose. The enemy will try to break you, but he can't kill you. You may even break, but God is in control of the breaking so you won't be destroyed. The enemy doesn't win!!
Keep pressing forward. Don't give up when it appears that your back is against the wall. Believe that God has His hand on you and He won't let you fail.....not this time around.
Love You!!
IB
Sounds to me like God has equipped you with an extreme amount of ARMOR girl!!! In the words of our Bishop "Amazed By His Grace"
ReplyDeleteNot sure if I see your instances as faults or you taking on responsibilties for what happened, but I do see them as is a bundle of assurance and growing pains in this episode(ya see...He knew and still trust you).
I feel as if your strength came from the deception of what you thought was but in essence it wasn't and that's ok. Those inserted rocks helped you to lift unaware weights which enhanced your spiritual muscles!! Bondage for me is too strenuous of a word, would it be fair to say that you were hand cuffed to________!!
You are a teacher girl and class has to be taught in more than just one way, even you had to learn that lesson. I believe that losing your focus has help you realize that your only human (born to make mistakes)!! *-*LOL
Okay now...I can understand you putting others in a Thought Position......JUST BECAUSE, you either didn't know or didn't realize their humanity is the same as yours (no blame there, how else are you gonna learn, it's not as if you have all the answers)!!
Not sure if I agree with you so much about the truth and substances part of a person cause I have endured them both and still ended up with a kiss on my cheek. It seems to me that your tools have been sharpened and your cement has been poured (no markings in this foundation).
Okay Ithy, God has put you in position as to where you no longer need training wheels or a second driver (I need for you to exercise Your faith now)cause what He has given you; only you can apply. After reading this blog all I could see in your passage was the word "I". Yes...He gave YOU The Assignment but somewhere along the way you forgot that!! You also had to endure the presence of this assignment as well as taking on it's task.
All foundations needs cement, all weapons needs to be sharpended, all leaders needs consequences, ect. so with that being said...LEAD girl LEAD!!!!!!!!! The body can't move without the head, and eventhough we have almost two of everything on our bodies, we only have ONE HEAD (LEADER), you do the math!!
You may have fallen by the wayside but you didn't fall deep enough to die! Your team has stuck with you through it all, let's face it...we all need warriors out here. He's not gonna put you out here without any reinforcement (note to self:there is a safe place to rest when needed)!!
I have GREAT admiration and So Much Love For You, which you probability don't need to hear right now, but I do so PLEASE forgive me for watching you from the sidelines!!
You still leave me at an awe...
It is always a positive thing to see your own spiritual growth--especially when it challenges your existing paradigm. Thanks for sharing--I am sure that you never expected me to read this--but I appreciate the fact that you were transparent. Whenever you are able to use your pain to help others (that's what I believe this did for you...) it really accelerates your own personal growth. Thanks and you are a mighty fine writer!
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